but his short stories always got me.
this one is fucking hillarious.
FOR BEST RESULTS: i recommend you read it out loud to a youngster in a German accent.
i also reccomend reading the book PYGMY... cos it looks like its going to be a great read.
when i can find it...
Case Study Operative Family Bear Animals by Chuck Palahniuk
Existed once time traditional heterosexual family unit composed Mother Bear animal, Father Bear animal, Offspring Bear animal, existing as proletariat family, laboring for to bring total fruits much future success to most-glorious nation state. As solely correct example, noble family of Bear animals occupy modest cottage containing practical, durable furnishings with foodstuffs provided by glorious, most-generous state.
As every all esteemed Bear animals native to state—Mother Bear animal, Father Bear animal, Offspring Bear animal—all boast coats of most-deep fur coloring. All Bear animal display much strong vigor, great courage and intellect, performing top-joyous to labor lifetime in dedication to enlightened vision of state.
Occurring one occasion, did Mother Bear animal prepare breakfast meal consisting of stewed porridge. Through generous wealth fuel wood provided by state, did finished porridge occur too vastly heated for immediate consumption by animal family. Instead, voted Bear animals to labor—to vacate most-comfortable domicile and make labor within glorious salt mine, harvesting salt for the more-great glory of this top-glorious national homeland.
During absence Bear family from immaculate state-provided domicile, did arrive American trespasser criminal. Head of trespasser American festooned decadent golden hairs. Devil American criminal—in actual degenerate spoiled female youth, did violate vacant domicile of noble much-laboring Bear animals. Thereupon did American devil youth gorge own self consuming stewed porridge of breakfast meal, vociferous to declare initial hearty porridge of Bear animals too heated. Next porridge, too chilled. Final porridge, did glutton American greedily, fully theft.
Perhaps possible, such youth related sister sibling of corrupt American heiress Paris Hilton? Perhaps, merely coincidence. Perhaps all every citizen United State such finicky demon. Every always too hot, too cold, too dirty, too infested with lice, foreign foodstuffs always too imbued with rodent feces, too covered with larva of black housefly. No… Never nothing ever good quality enough for choosey American tourist.
Upon devastate breakfast porridge did devil American of golden hairs experience extreme sloth such typical of United State youth. Investigating state-provided sleeping mats, did devil child once more declare initial mat feel too solid. Declare second mat too yielding. Upon third mat did lazy, slothful trespass criminal achieve slumber.
Next now, trio mighty proletariat Bear mammals return subsequent diligent laboring in glorious salt mines of state. Mother Bear animal, Father Bear animal with Offspring did repeat enter own domicile. Did discover breakfast meal of stewed porridge, consumed by trespasser. Next then did trio of Bear animal family make discovery of slothful American burglar making slumber upon state-provided sleeping mat.
Same now, golden-hair criminal awake, in manner of selfish, coward American make scream, most-loud, prior to attempt flee. Springing for escape fate, in vain did United State devil thief leap from sleeping mat for attempt evade noble Bear animals. Nevertheless did claws of Mother Bear animal seize trespasser by golden hair, halting escape. Quick, next now did savage jaws of Father Bear animal sink jagged teeths into screaming windpipe of imperialist criminal. Entire domicile filled dying screams, spouting blood of decadent state enemy. Only last did Offspring Bear animal plunge own immature claws within ribcage of golden trespasser, seizing alive, spasming heart muscle for to rip free of chest cavity. No-digested porridge of breakfast meal did pour from eviscerated bowel flesh of captured thief. Within next now, criminal slaughtered and Bear family feasting upon hot, steaming corpse, pausing only moment so enable trio of such noble laboring animals for crane all heads backward upon necks, making vast howl in unison, howling over devastation of defeated American, did Bear family shout:
Every All Glory to be Accomplished in Honoring Philosophy This Single Correct Homeland State